


Hold Me One More Time

by oddandevander



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Im kinda sorry, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, but not to badly, they're hurting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 17:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14454522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddandevander/pseuds/oddandevander
Summary: Remus and Sirius are heart broken over a breakup from too long ago.But the feelings are still always there.(I just kinda bullshit the title so-)





	Hold Me One More Time

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SO  
> I DON'T REALLY WRITE HARRY POTTER STUFF ANYMORE BUT LIKE I USED TO BE WAY INTO IT AND I FOUND SOME OLD STUFF I'M LOWKEY PROUD OF SO LIKE
> 
> ENJOY?
> 
> (also i didn't read the whole thing so... there might be mistakes)

Years of playing things off in front of their friends had done both Remus and Sirius a lot of good, but what really tested their lying abilities was this: The post-breakup moments, when they'd said that everything was fine, yet when they found themselves alone or in a time of silence or in any situation that wasn't chaotic, they'd both feel the painful ache in their chests. Chests tight, hearts broken. Remus would offer a sorrowful look, perhaps a forced smile, and Sirius would bring up anything that got a conversation going again because it would be too much; because he could feel his hands shaking and his ability to breathe was fading fast.

Still, they were friends.

Sometimes, they even fooled themselves. Believing that perhaps everything between them had mended, and wanting desperately to believe that. It hadn't, and somewhere inside of them, both knew it.

Remus loathed his transformations more than ever without Sirius as help to the ways he felt when they were coming up. Even with all three of his mates there for him, they were painful as hell and left him feeling defeated. There were those moments when he'd be tossing and turning, unable to sleep, and in a distressed and desperately tired state, he'd fumble for Sirius among the covers before reality hit him.

For Sirius, it worked somewhat differently. Sirius was hardly one to pay any mind to feelings, which he highly despised. The physical sensations Remus caused, he ignored. Every crushing thing he felt would be quickly dismissed as he found a distraction to cover it. But perhaps this made it worse, because at the times that he couldn't block out these feelings, they'd overwhelm him, sending washes of anguish and sorrow all through his body. And he'd find himself having intense and random mental breakdowns, having to dash out of a room or leave abruptly as a result of them.

And there were the other moments. The ones that they never spoke about and their friends never knew about. Special moments, when one or both of them needed the other. Like when Sirius would have devastating nightmares, and Remus would silently hold him until the male's terror subsided and they were just there, feeling each other, loving one another, wanting them back more than anything. Nothing more ever happened, though. Their moments consisted of just slightly more-than-friendly gestures or types of motivational talks or whatever the other needed. Sometimes it was more pain than it was worth, but it was a feeling that neither would ever deny if offered.

As most unhealthy habits go, it caught up with them.

Remus had (in another show of an unhealthy habit) suppressed everything until it all came crashing down unexpectedly one day, and he had to excuse himself. The other boys hadn't been suspicious, but Sirius knew that werewolf better than anyone, and to ignore this was something he couldn't bring himself to. He'd been quick to follow, catching up with Remus once his friend slid into a bathroom. Then he paced around anxiously, holding himself, breathing hard, nervous tics overlapping, failing to steady himself as Sirius approached.

It hurt, physically pained Sirius to see Remus this way. There was a myriad of things that could've been the cause of his misery, and Sirius didn't know or care which thing it was. All that mattered was helping; being there, at the very least. "Mate, calm down," he murmured, unable to relieve the feeling of helplessness that settled inside of him, thick and heavy.

For a brief instant, Remus conveyed hesitance, coming to a stop, eyes scanning warily over Sirius, but it had barely lasted at all before he was in the other's arms. His breathing came out in pained, ragged gasps. His eyes were closed tight, possibly an attempt at blocking out that sense because he was feeling so damn much. His mind was a hurricane, and he could feel its destruction inside him and he wanted it to end. Remus told himself that he should've said something to Sirius, but everything was painful and he soon dismissed the idea.

"You're going to end up hurting yourself," Sirius sighed, talking because it was all he knew how to do when emotions came up. Anxiety flooded him as he tried to choose a topic to talk about. Something humorous? Something nostalgic? It wasn't something he had time to ponder on; this was happening right now. Remus was in his arms, the weight of the world on his shoulders, unraveling, body trembling madly. "Remus..." An unanticipated wave of emotion washed over him then. "I-I'm sorry," he whispered. There wasn't a single other thing to say that he could even think up, for which he was also sorry.

"I miss you," Remus confessed abruptly, ashamed, but not remorseful. They both knew it, but getting it out felt nice. Remus just stared at the ground, breathing still uneven, his and Sirius's arms still around him.

Then it ebbed to silence between them because Sirius couldn't say anything to that. He couldn't say it back, no matter how true it was. "You-You'll be all right," Sirius said gently, mentally noting that he was the worst at cheering anyone up ever.

"Do you still love me?" Remus asked suddenly; if the last thing he said had alarmed Sirius, this bewildered him. Remus wasn't ever the type to ask those questions, and even then he didn't have a clue as to why he did it, but he did, and he had to know.

For a moment he tried to formulate a response, mouth open, before he swallowed. "Yes," he answered weakly, feeling utterly pathetic.

Remus didn't know what to think of that, but he knew he felt the same. And having Sirius still love him after they were broken up had to really hurt him, but the fact comforted Remus regardless. It was all wrong. It was unfair. None of it should have even happened, Remus thought, agitated. Sirius shouldn't be in this bathroom coaxing him; Remus shouldn't be having a breakdown; they shouldn't have been broken up; there shouldn't have been a bloody war going on; Remus shouldn't have been a damned werewolf. He didn't pity himself often, but in the moment, Remus felt a consuming sense of hopelessness and indignation as he wondered why the hell something like this had to happen to him.

Longing for a distraction, he let his eyes drift up to Sirius's at last. Something stirred within him, and though he couldn't place just what it was, it was strong. "Are you okay?" Sirius asked apprehensively.

"No," Remus replied honestly, but with most of his panic gone, he was better now. And he was close to Sirius. Both of them were in the same state of hurt and want and mental debating. And despite being the responsible one most times, Remus still felt emotional and weak and angry at how unfair everything was and he was moving closer to Sirius, heart hammering--

"You two blokes in here?"

They were frozen in place, faces barely inches apart. The feel of breath that close was absolutely agonizing, but the moment had ended just like that.

Shortly after, James walked in, expression changing to concern and wariness once he saw them. "Er, bad time, then?" he asked awkwardly, taking a step back.

Sirius shook his head, but his eyes wouldn't budge from where they were locked with Remus's. "No. Moony's just a tad upset," he murmured, finally glancing over at his friend.

Still evidently hesitant, James took a moment to sort out if he'd rather not get involved or help out by keeping these two from causing even more conflict between each other. Ultimately, the latter won. "Well, we should get back then," he said, giving the two a frown before they separated.

Luckily, they both took the hint and followed him out, whatever had just happened between them staying behind.


End file.
